Primaries, Presidents and Trump’s Tiny Penis

Just in case your drunk ass stumbles into a voting booth

This Matters | Ray Anderson | March 3, 2016

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Super Tuesday……sounds like a drink special at a bar right? Well it’s not. It’s the biggest and most important day in the presidential primaries where millions of Americans wander into voting booths to determine their party’s candidate. This past Tuesday, we witnessed the results of these primaries and caucuses, and the results are just as expected and shitty as predicted.

In case you don’t know much about how the electoral system works for political parties choosing their candidates, here is a quick explanation. Each state, including American territories, holds either a primary or a caucus to determine how many delegates they are going to allocate to each candidate. Once a candidate reaches the amount of delegates needed to win his/her respective party’s nomination, he/she becomes that party’s candidate. For the Republican party the number of delegates needed is 1,237, and for the Democratic party the number of delegates needed is 2,383. Don’t ask me why they are different because I have no fucking clue. It’s just how it is.

Here’s the run down on what has happened so far…..

Donald Trump

Trump is an absolute character. There is no other way to describe him. He seems like he would fit perfectly in Real Housewives of New York just observing how radiantly his spray tan looks on television. I mean the man looks like a pale Morgan Freeman, holy shit. Trump’s platform is pretty vague – stimulating our economy, immigration reform and extreme nationalistic ideas.

Prior to Super Tuesday, Trump had won:

New Hampshire – 11/23 delegates

South Carolina – 50/50 delegates

Nevada – 14/30 delegates

Super Tuesday Trump victories:

Alabama – 36/50 delegates

Arkansas – 16/60 delegates

Georgia – 42/76 delegates

Massachusetts- 22/42 delegates

Tennessee – 31/58 delegates

Vermont – 8/16 delegates

Virginia – 17/49 delegates

Donald Trumps total: 332 delegates

trump

In some weird way Donald looks better like this

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz was born in Canada and that should be the end of the conversation. Cruz seems like a level headed conservative candidate, but if he grew up in Canada I trust him no more than Bill Cosby if he says he’s “only walking her back to her room.” Cruz runs on the platform of increased national security/border protection, standing by the Constitution, and defending 2nd Amendment rights.

Prior to Super Tuesday, Cruz had won:

Iowa – 8/30 delegates

Super Tuesday Cruz victories:

Alaska (Do people even live there???)- 12/28 delegates

Oklahoma – 15/43 delegates

Texas (Cruz’s home state) – 102/155 delegates

Ted Cruz’s total: 230 delegates 

Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio started his political career in Florida, and currently serves as an United States Senator. He was definitely the kid in high school who ran for student council and took it very seriously because he “really really really cared about his classmates.” Rubio showed some big balls last week by claiming that Donald Trump has a small penis, which made millions of Americans violently throw up while picturing Trump’s small dick. However, it showed just how aggressive Rubio can get…he is not going to get belittled by Donald Trump like so many other candidates have. Rubio is trying, and somewhat succeeding, in becoming the poster boy of the Republican party, having been born from immigrant parents, being a successful middle class American and also reading the terms and conditions every time before he agrees to anything.

No Wins for Marco prior to Super Tuesday 🙁

Super Tuesday victory:

Minnesota – 17/38 delegates

Marco Rubios total: 113 delegates

Ben Carson

Not a lot to say about Dr. Ben Carson other then he is a neurosurgeon who seemed pretty clueless in the political playing field while debating with the other candidates. The man spoke so slowly and dully that I would rather sit at the DMV all day than talk with him for more than an hour. Being the well-educated man he is, Dr. Carson realized that he has a higher chance of bringing Michael Jackson back to life than winning the Republican nomination. Carson was quoted on Wednesday saying “I don’t see a political path forward”……good move Doc, good move.

Ben Carson’s total before unofficially suspending his campaign: 7 delegates 🙁

If this picture doesn’t sum up Ben Carson, for you I don’t know what will.

Untitled

John Kasich

The last republican in the race and my personal favorite. He is level headed, well-spoken and has experience as the governor of Ohio. The people of Ohio love him and his poll numbers have been increasing. But if not for a miracle, Kasich will not be making a serious run at the nomination.

No wins for Kasich in any primaries and caucuses held so far             

John Kasich’s total: 27 delegates

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton has been a staple in politics for the last couple of decades, ranging from the First Lady of the United States all the way to the Secretary of State. Hillary is surrounded by drama everywhere she goes, including her marital sex life and possibly using her private email to talk about government issues. However I personally believe she was just sending nudes to old Bill to keep him young. Hillary is the front-runner so far for the Democratic nomination. 

Prior to Super Tuesday, Clinton had won:

Iowa – 30/52 delegates

Nevada – 24/43 delegates

South Carolina – 44/59 delegates

Super Tuesday Clinton victories:

Alabama – 49/60 delegates

America Samoa – 8/11 delegates

Arkansas (Home State) – 27/37 delegates

Georgia – 84/117 delegates

Massachusetts 61/116 delegates

Tennessee – 49/75 delegates

Texas – 167/251 delegates

Virginia – 74/109 delegates

Hillary Clinton’s total: 1,074 delegates

 

Hillary looks like she has to take a huge shit every time she stops talking.

hilz

Bernie Sanders

I love when people say “Feel the Bern” because I always feel it. It feels like the burning sensation you get after you eat enough McDonalds that even Chris Christie would be impressed. Also if Sanders is elected, that McDonalds worker would be making enough money to shower in liquid gold (alright, maybe not that much but you get what I mean). I’m not an economics major. Actually I am, so take this following sentence very seriously: Sanders’ platform for free college tuition and a huge increase in minimum wage does not make sense economically without becoming an extremely socialist nation.

Prior to super Tuesday, Sanders had won:

New Hampshire – 15/32 delegates

Super Tuesday Sanders victories:

Colorado – 38/78 delegates

Minnesota – 47/93 delegates

Oklahoma – 21/42 delegates

Vermont (Home) -19/26 delegates

Bernie Sanders Total: 426 delegates

If you even bothered reading all of the numbers, good for you. If you didn’t, here is what you need to know if you’re planning on voting in Wisconsin’s primary on April 5th, 2016. 

Donald Trump is almost 27% of the way to a Republican nomination, and if you are satisfied with that then fly your American flag proud and just wait. Before we know it, we are all going to be drinking TRUMP BEERS at the Kollege Klub and living in the new Madison high rise “TRUMP TOWERS Residence Hall”.

Hillary Clinton is just under 50% of the way to a Democratic nomination.

So Badgers, I implore you to educate yourselves and openly discuss your views on political issues and candidates. Good things happen when UW students talk to each other. This election decides the direction of our nation for the next four years, and you as a citizen of this great country and “swing” state of Wisconsin have a civic duty to engage in your right to vote. Our generation is one of the most open-minded and well-connected, so get your heads out of your asses, educate yourselves, and get down to the polls.

 

All election statistics courtesy of http://www.cnn.com/election/.