New 7-Eleven Poses Threat to Yogis

Nahhhh, imma stay at home

All Bucked Up | Sophie Elsmo | March 3, 2016 SATIRE

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Co-Authored by: Sophie Elsmo & Molly Hanson

MADISON Wis.—The new 7-Eleven that opened up on the corner of State and North Lake St. has attracted a cult following of convenience store customers looking for an “edgier” shopping experience than what Walgreens offers.

UW-Madison student Michael Smith said, “I dig the new 7-Eleven, it gives the campus a grungier vibe.”

Critics have questioned the necessity of the new 7-Eleven given that there is a Walgreens approximately ten steps due north, but Smith claims the new convenience store offers something more than just old doughnuts, questionable hotdogs, and copious amounts of tobacco products.

“Yeah, Walgreens has the same products, but the 7-Eleven gives me the adrenaline rush I crave,” said Smith under the shadow of the store. “Now I can feel a little more bad-ass buying toothpaste, ya know?”

Chief of the Dane County police department, Scott Gregory, is not so sure the 7-Eleven is helping the safety issues that have cropped up around campus in recent months.

“I know college kids. They want their ‘edgy’ and ‘trendy’ stores to shop at. But I’ll tell you this, it’s all fun and Coca-Cola Big Slurps until a robbery occurs. I’m familiar with the kind of shady characters 7-Eleven’s attract. It’s not what this campus needs.”

As young women travel down Lake Street toward the 7-Eleven, they often cross the street, unsure of how well the yoga mat strapped to their backs will bode. Rumors have surfaced that the hooded figures lurking in the shadows of the 7-Eleven have been targeting the “yoga girls” for their ‘lulu’ headbands and bright pink and purple yoga mats. Seeing as this is a valid concern, there has been a new service implemented to escort young women across the twenty yards past the 7-Eleven. Sources say for an escort, just call 1-800-yoga-lyfe.

Annie Jones has been a loyal customer of Walgreens, but recently made the daring switch. “The line was too long at Walgreens, so I decided ‘Oh, what the hay’ and threw caution into the wind,” Jones said on her decision to head to 7-Eleven for her Sour Skittles. She made the switch with precaution, her pepper spray not far from reach.

Although no prevalent crime has occurred in the area, there is still a group of very angry girls going to yoga without their mats.