Dismayed Hillary Supporters Petition For A Mexican Wall

Spring break may be longer than expected

All Bucked Up | Samantha Gorman | March 9, 2016 SATIRE

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As he watched Donald Trump’s likelihood of grabbing the Republican nomination become further solidified by the candidate’s victories on March 1, recent UW-Madison grad student Kris Murphy decided enough was enough. He packed up his sunscreen, ten of his best tanks, a pair of shades, his Birkenstock sandals, and left for Madison’s spring break vacation with the intent of extending his “all you can eat food poisoned hotdogs” trip to a lasting life of leisure in Mexico.

“I couldn’t bare the thought of living in a country run by Trump, so I thought why not just live in Mexico? It was a riot when I visited for spring break back in 2012, and only one of my friends got stabbed – I would call that a successful trip” said Murphy. “So I recently checked into the Oasis Cancun and I plan on living here indefinitely… or until I realize the only thing I learned in 7th grade Spanish was to ask the location of the library.”

Murphy is just one of the increasing number of Americans emigrating to Mexico’s resort-towns and spending their days lounging by the poolside, soaking up the tropical sun, and sipping on all-you-can-drink margaritas. After last Tuesday’s primary election, Google showed a trending national search for “How to survive in Mexico” followed by the top search result “Did Jared from Subway get fat in prison, now that he can’t eat Subway?” Reports indicate that Mexican resort-towns are filling up quickly to maximum capacity.

“I left the country because I lost faith in America after seeing Trump dominate the polls, but I should have moved here long ago,” said Carol Johnson who recently left her life as a high school teacher in Flint, Michigan to live in Real Del Mar. “Life is simpler and, honestly, the drinking water situation couldn’t really get any worse than Flint.”

Unfortunately, not all immigrants have experienced an easier life since moving. There have been reports of Mexican citizens being less than accommodating to American immigrants.

“Life as an immigrant has had its challenges,” said one of the Los Cabos residents. “The discrimination has been pretty disheartening. Absolutely everything is written in Mexican and sometimes the translations are confusing. I haven’t noticed anyone making an honest effort to speak clearer English either.”

Other immigrants have felt unsettled by Mexico’s climbing crime and murder rate, fearing that outside threats may find their way into the peaceful life Mexico has provided them.

Petitions signed by immigrants in Cancun and Real Del Mar have been introduced to Mexico’s president, Vicente Fox, proposing the construction of a wall between the vacation resorts and the rest of the country.

“This is our home now and we don’t want to feel stress about criminal activity,” said Jessie McConnell, an immigrant who drafted the petition and a strong Hillary advocate. “A wall would eliminate pesky worries about criminal activity and create a greater, safer Mexican experience for the country’s new citizens.”