How To Get Lucky On St. Patty’s Day

For those of you trying to end your dry spell

All Bucked Up | Sophie Elsmo | March 17, 2016 SATIRE

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Legend has it that 1500 years ago the Catholic missionary St. Patrick stepped foot in Dublin with a God-sent mission to rid the land of cargo shorts and bring the party to Ireland.

He smoked some “shamrocks,” took shots with the local pagans, started flinging snakes into the sea, then stood atop a since sacred stone and proclaimed, “Bless up, heathens! It’s time we get lit!” And so they did.

From that day forward, Irish decedents have dedicated the 17th of March to worshipping the Saint in all his holy glory by chugging green beer, throwing back shots and praying to end the night in lustful sin (you know, sex). Assuming that everyone who reads this is already three drinks deep… Read on to find out how to tip the odds in your favor and sleep with that special someone tonight.

Dress as St. Patrick – There’s nothing like trying to dress up in your best St. Patty’s day outfit just to blend in with every single other drunken idiot on campus. Dressing like an actual Saint or Leprechaun may just do the trick – seducing a saint into sin is a hot challenge and you may be able to woo a weird religious freak into sleeping with you (let’s be real… it’s on everyone’s bucket list). I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to hook up with someone dressed like this…

st patty

Lower Your Standards – Listen, chances are you’re not meeting your soul mate on St. Patty’s Day. Quite honestly, most of the people you meet will be belligerent schmucks you never want to see again. So don’t be a sex snob. Too short, too tall, too sloppy, too hairy—who cares? Throw a couple of drinks back and stop being so picky; honestly you’re probably a 6 anyway. Little red-bearded leprechaun man (from tip number 1) might charm your panties off.

Dye your hair orange – everybody loves a good ginger; but when the mystery of orange hair and brown eyebrows presents itself, it will leave that special someone to question…”does the carpet match the drapes…?” At that point you’re as good as laid.

Speak with a thick Irish accent – Not only will it be nearly impossible to understand you, but the person you’re talking to can’t help but laugh, smile, and nod. You’ll be in their kilt in no time.

Lunch is on you – we all know that the way into a woman’s heart is through her stomach. That being said, shamrock shakes, lucky charms, and green eggs and ham are the true aphrodisiacs today.

 Change your name for the day – your name’s Patel? Not anymore…hey Donovan! There’s nothing like waking up in the morning next to someone you don’t know, calling you by a name you don’t recognize. If this hasn’t happened to you at some point, then today is the day. Look at your computer screen, now look into the mirror, now look back at your computer screen… go get em’ tiger.

Ask politely – if you’ve come to the end of your bag of tricks with still no luck, you may want to try and simply ask, “would you like to go have sex with me tonight?” When it’s all said and done, if you throw a stack of post-its at the wall, at least one of them has to stick… find that one post-it note.