Some names were changed for confidentiality reasons
When fall rolls around and incoming freshman unload their parents’ packed minivans, we all sit back quietly smiling to ourselves as we consider the lessons they’ll undoubtedly have to learn throughout the year. As former “top dogs” of their high school, freshmen approach campus thinking they know it all, but that’s bullshit.
Only after facing the unavoidable horror stories of freshman year will they truly understand the realities of college.
As for myself, I learned to always look before sitting. I spent my entire Saturday night at College Library and still managed to end up covered in someone else’s puke. It was 3 a.m., and I woke up in desperate need to relieve my bladder. Too exhausted to put in contacts, put on shoes or take out my lovely retainer, I hurried to the bathroom.
When went to pull up my pajamas, I realized that my ass was extremely wet. Being completely sober and a successful bathroom-goer for over sixteen years, I knew the fluid was not mine. I finally realized that I had sat in someone else’s throw up, thus quickly resorted to showering during the wee hours of the morning. But hey, at least someone on my floor had a good night.
My lovely friend, Lauren Becherer, learned how NOT to pass the time during a power lecture. Naïve to the lecture scene, she was unaware of how long and boring those seventy-five minutes can truly be. Being the smart girl that she is, Lauren sat between two babes she had met at SOAR.
In an attempt to stay awake while enduring what seemed to be endless hours of dry material, she popped in some gum—remember, cute boys means the possible need for fresh breath. But Lauren yawned, and the gum managed to fall out of her mouth and into her hair.
She spent the remainder of the class trying to get the gum out without the two boys knowing, while simultaneously taking lecture notes. She said she spent at least twenty minutes trying to get the gum out, but it kept getting more entangled. Her only viable option was to rip out a massive chunk of her gorgeous blonde hair and stick it under her seat to successfully remove the gum. Too bad the cute boys actually knew the entire time.
James Collins* learned to always check that his towel makes it to the shower after spending his Friday afternoon at the KK. After showering, James reached around the curtain for his towel, but quickly realized that he forgot it in his room. On top of that, it’s the farthest possible room from the bathroom.
So he ran for it.
And after an unsuccessful “naked lap,” he made it to his room and thankfully hasn’t forgotten his towel since.
Pain and zero gain
Within the first month on campus, Julie Rain* learned her lesson to choose who you pursue carefully. Julie went to a party, accompanied by her new interest, John, but only after he finished all of his rum (of course). They returned to the dorms, and Julie was feeling the infamous but universally loved drunchies.
Being a gentleman, he gave Julie a PopTart before they climbed into his lofted bed. John rolled over to steal half of the PopTart and attempted to roll back over to his original position. But being drunk, he couldn’t stop rolling until he fell out the bed and hit the ground face first. He also managed to hit his TV and fan on the way down.
Have no fear, he and the mood recovered, and the couple began making out. But the romance was cut short after he passed out halfway through the encounter. But being the smart girl that Julie is, she decided to gather her belongings while her companion began puking in the bed.
As for Sarah Aik, she learned the proper way to take the Madison City Bus. She was new to the entire bus system but was riding with an awful driver. The bus was full, and in an attempt to keep her balance, Sarah clutched onto a pole. But the bus approached a turn, and Sarah was extremely top heavy with her stereotypically loaded freshman backpack, and she fell onto three fellow riders.
She shamefully hurried off at her stop.
It’s all about who you know
Andrew Downing quickly discovered that one could find friends in strange ways. After a busy night on State Street, he befriended a “47-year-old homeless man in a panda suit.” Although Freak Fest is infamous for locals, this was just your average Thursday night, so the two decided to celebrate 4/20 a little on the early side, making for quite the interesting night.
Casey Porter quickly learned that five is more than a crowd. Her roommate had two male friends visiting from home. But Casey and the two friends were forced to lay awake while her roommate was hooking up with another guy in the room. I guess there is no need for those walls to talk…they heard it all.
Ultimately, freshmen year is memorable for everyone. With the first taste of what true independence is really like, experiences begin to shape you. However, this comes with a price, and sometimes you have to brutally learn from your mistakes—or your peer’s—to understand what college is really like. But I can’t wait to see what next year’s fresh meat will endure.